A Break

I'm going to take a break from the usual picture posts to talk. I am not big on words on this blog, but have a few things I just wanted to get down "on paper." I have also been on a sort of "honesty crusade" for the past year. I know I am not the only one with struggles in life, and as I am a little more open with mine, I hope that maybe someone else will read this and feel a little bit better about their own mom guilts, and chemical imbalances. :) You are not alone. 

This is a story of best laid plans. As little girls we dream about our futures. We plan our romances, our weddings, our husbands, and our kids. Many of us have baby names selected even before we find Mr. Right. I had baby clothes stored up in my hope chest. Mostly girl dresses. Whoops ;)

Not all of this is just dreaming and wishing, a lot of it helps to form lasting opinions and we build other plans around them. Example: I always knew I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I saw that it was increasingly less common, and knew that I should never rely on someone else to "take care of me" but I knew that it was important for me. So I changed my mind about becoming a school teacher and focused more on endeavors that I would be able to do largely from home. I didn't always have myself all organized and put together, but I knew that once I had kids, my first priority would be to stay home with them. I have also always believed very strongly that this was a decision that belonged to every woman individually, and that no one answer was right for everyone. 

So, when Nicholas was about 9 months old and we moved to G'ville, I told Tyler it was time. We made it a priority, and I became a stay at home mom. I have been at home ever since. 

Two years ago, I felt that overwhelming need to expand our family and so we decided to have another kid. We didn't know how long it would take, but we were blessed with a positive result that first month. At about six weeks in, I had the ultrasound that changed everything. I found out I was having twins. 

The last year and a half (plus some) has been rough. I have had challenges that I never would have expected as a young woman. When I planned out my life and had thoughts like "if I have twins someday that would be so fun!" I really had no idea. (It is VERY fun, but it's also SO hard) But I had been so watchful of all the parents in my life, and prepared for the days when I had my own children, and just knew that I was ready for anything. I couldn't have forseen PPD, a husband in FT school and FT work, and then moving on to working most days from 5:30 am- 10:30 pm. The best laid plans...

So now, I am preparing to go back to work full time. This was not an easy decision. And it has made me question myself as a mother. 

I know that this will be a great thing for my four year old. I also know that the babies will do great. So why is this such a difficult decision? For me it's because it goes against everything I had ever decided and based my dreams on as a young woman. 

Another reason this has been so difficult is because I have struggled with PPD since the twins were born. I wasn't really able to bond with them until about six months and I wasn't able to feel like I could ever see myself being good at mothering twins until they were a year old. Some of that was the depression talking, and some of it was just fact. I have never been able to give them the attention I gave to N at this age. This is one of my favorite stages, they are little sponges. But by this age, I am pretty sure we had taught N how to do way more little tricks to show off to the g'parents. I realized a few months ago that I hadn't even been doing animal sounds with them, or "uh-ohs" or "ta-das" or anything beyond peek-a-boo. I taught them high fives just so I didn't feel like a totally neglectful failure. 

So here's the thing. Tyler has had to work so much to support us, and me being a SAHM has been tough. I have so much respect for single moms. I don't know how you do it.

Anyway, this is the point- I am taking a break from being a SAHM to go back to work. At this point, I don't know if I'll ever be one again. I love working, and I really need something I can feel like I'm good at. So it kills me that I will miss out on snuggles, and all the crazy things my 4yo says all day long, and milestones for these babies... But this is right for our family so I am going to make that sacrifice. We all need a break. Sometimes it's a break from being a mom. Maybe we need a break from financial stress. Perhaps a break from beating ourselves up about things. 

Things I will focus on taking a break from:

-Feeling like a bad mom

-Holding our little world on my shoulders

-Panic attacks

-Feeling so alone that I question my faith

-asking so much of Tyler (he needs a break too)

-making decisions about an unknown future

-feeling trapped inside my home

-not taking care of any of my own needs 

-blaming my kids for any of this

And most of all, I will take a break from the mold I built for myself back before I knew anything. 

Tyler and I, on a ship in the Bahamas taking a much needed break from life. :)